Small
by EmilyMayVTheCrazyDinosaurGirl
Summary: One decision changes everything, and all thats around. Sara is broken beyond repair, and feels unwanted, unloved..Small
1. She had never felt so small

**DISCLAIMER:** I Only own my imagination and my words, Thank you the everyone who has checked things through for me.

She had never felt so small in her whole life. There were times when she was close, so close, but someone or something had always managed to pull her back to where she belonged.

Not this time. Nothing could pull her away now, and if by some miracle it did happen, it would be too late. Way too late.

For her, for them, for everything around her would be changed. Work wouldn't have the same effect. The victims just another crack in her once perfect mirror. Another ripple in the sea she tried to hard to keep calm, or at least calm to the eye of those who dare to look at its surface.

Feeling small for Sara wasn't something new, in fact she was rather used to it. Feeling small after her hikes in the mountains, seeing the Pyramids in Egypt...these things made her, and others, realize just how small their lives are in relation to the world.

Her job had the same effect. She could save someone, give family the answers they needed, but still her work would not stop. No matter how many people tried, the world would still be full of lies.

It would smell of lies.

Sara could cope with this, it was just how the world worked, how people lived their lives.

However, discovering a third, and almost deadly feeling of being small, insignificant, unwanted, uncared for...This discovery of uncertainty did the most damage. Irreversible damage.

Already shattered into a billion pieces, many of which would be lost forever, the once strong woman had fallen over the edge, never to reach hard ground again. One decision had changed everything around Sara, and everything she had once believed in. One word of encouragement followed by one doubtful but certain agreement. One night. One outcome.

No going back.

Sara could hear everything around her, the faint hum of the car's engine outside, the buzz of the lights, the flashes of the cameras all around her, but they were faded to almost nothing.

She could hear what no one else could...Screams that begged for everything to stop, Yet the evil laughter that steadily began to grow from within her refused to listen.

Crouched in the corner of the room, her eyes clamped closed, Sara tried to block out all that was around her. Something that was impossible to do. Sara heard a new sound within the tomb. Footsteps. Footsteps that were heading right for her.

Pressing herself further into the wall, Sara buried her head closer to her knees. She could cope with the people being in the same room, people looking at the scene around her, but she panicked whenever they came too close. Sara took a deep breath, willing her body and her mind to calm down. Everyone here was on her side, so why was she still acting as if the man was still beside her, on her.

Sara took another deep breath, her body only able to relax when she recognized a sweet, familiar and welcoming scent. Moving for the first time since she had made the hysterical and frantic phone call to Captain Brass, Sara fell forward into Catherine's arms, her tears now falling even faster.

Catherine unsure of what to do when the brunette landed in her arms, did what any good mother would do, she held her. She held her just like she would have held Lindsey should it have been her and not Sara falling apart in her arms. Being a mother, Catherine's instincts were to hold Sara for as long as it took; being a CSI, Catherine knew better. The evidence on and around Sara could be compromised, and Sara was prime suspect, yet she was also the victim. Being Catherine Willows, she felt extremely uncomfortable holding Sara how she was. For lack of a better, or nicer word, the Willows women, Detested, almost hated Sara, for just being exactly that...Sara, Teacher's Pet, Grissom's little Prodigy. It had been Catherine's title before Sara had turned up, but within seconds it had been taken away from her, ripped away and forced from her. Catherine had never truly forgiven Grissom for what he had done, and as for Sara...Catherine had never given her a chance.

''I..I...,'' Sara choked out, her breath hitching and irregular. ''I...,'' Sara didn't finish her sentence, as she had opened her eyes for the first time that night, and seeing everything around her bought flashes of her memories speeding through her mind. It was then that she screamed.

Everyone in the room fell silent, heads spinning around towards the brunette. One CSI dropped the glass vase they were holding, shattering into a thousand pieces when it hit the floor, just like Sara had shattered hours earlier.

Catherine quickly turned to see what had caused Sara to react the way in which she had, and this time saw not just the blood that covered the floor, but a dead Male, covered in the cuts and bruises from where the blood had come.

Either Sara couldn't remember what had happened, or had finally realized just how much damage she had caused. ''Sara..Sara..'' Catherine turned back to the younger women, whose earlier screams had manifested into a full blown panic attack. ''Sara look at me...Sara, please I need you to look at me.'' Catherine turned Sara's head so she was facing her ''Sara you need to breathe..'' Looking at Catherine as if they had only just meet, but knowing they had been working together for many years now, Sara blinked several times trying to regain focus, but with the way her chest was burning from the lack of air she could not seem to get to, it was almost impossible.

''I..I..Stabbed him...'' Was all Sara could manage to get out, whispering so only Catherine could hear her confession, Sara once once again blacked out, The third time that night.


	2. Mother Willows

_**I Know it has been MANY years since I started this story, but new inspiration has struck!**_

_**I still own nothing.**_

Sara had been in the hospital for three days now, and still refused to talk to anyone. She felt useless, and annoyed, frustrated. Unable to do anything for herself. Only able to sleep. Restless, nightmare filled sleep. To think. Her body was bruised, and her chest felt tight. Breathing was difficult for her, but it wasn't for any medical reasons. Sara kept her eyes shut, but she wasn't asleep. She just couldn't face anyone. She couldn't face Catherine. Her team. The Questions.

Catherine had stayed by her side. Sara was all to aware of her presence. The pointless questions the blonde kept asking her, the stories. Even Lindsey had come to see her. Sara smiled at the thought. She was fully aware of what was going on around her. She was neither in a Catatonic state, or in a coma. Sara just chose to block everyone out. If she pretended to sleep, she wouldn't have to answer questions. She wouldn't have to defend herself, or her actions. She could continue to live out her meagre life with no interruptions. Small. Sara still felt small. Broken. Her chest was tight, her body bruised, but it was healing. Sara had been lucky as far as the physical damage to her body went. But unlucky in her actions.

Sara could feel Catherine's hand holding hers, and she gently squeezed it, but still refused to open her eyes. If they knew she was awake, they would question her. Place her in Orange scrubs. Treat her as the criminal she was. They would probe into her past. That night. They would pity her.

'Sara..Sweetie..' Catherine whispered 'I know your awake Honey..' Catherine had also had a lot of time to think, despite what the evidence said. What it clearly stated. That not only Sara had killed someone. That it had been in cold blooded rage, and not self defence. Catherine refused to believe it.

Sara clamped her eyes even tighter, and moved her head away from Catherine as discreetly as she could manage.

'Sara...' Catherine whispered even more quietly than before, looking around her cautiously to see if anyone was about. 'Sara no one is here..I wont get anyone either..I just want you to talk to me...'

Not being able to bare the thought of opening her eyes, Sara's body tensed. It seemed she couldn't pretend for much longer. Catherine had known she was awake for two days now. She had asked the same questions, told her stories, knowing the brunette was awake. Sara didn't mind that the older women knew. She enjoyed the challenge of keeping up her sleeping appearance. It made her feel in control. Important. Big. Untouchable. But now she was fed up, frustrated. Her body ached, and it wasn't the broken bones. She needed to move. Her muscles were sore from not being used.

Again, she turned her head, and slowly opened her eyes, looking up to were she knew Catherine was sat.

Catherine only smiled, her hand gently caressed Sara's 'How are you feeling?'

'Sore' Sara croaked, she hadn't realised just how dry her throat had become, or how awkward it would be to talk with all the tubes.

As she had refused to let the nurses know she was awake, they had hooked her up to feeding tubes and catheters. Sara had wanted to rip them out, knowing she didn't need them. The food, the tubes. But, it would have only proved she was awake, and it would have meant she had lost her internal battle.

Catherine took in the picture she saw before her. Once again she was confused, and tensed slightly. The CSI inside her once again told her she needed to put the case first, and the Mother inside of her wanted nothing more than to hold the brunette in her arms.


	3. A special room

Sara continued to look at Catherine, wishing to concentrate on the blonde who refused to leave her side so she could block out the nurses that were now probing her.

Catherine had kept her work, she hadn't called anyone, the mother in her knew it would be counter productive and unhelpful to both Sara and the case, but it hadn't stopped a nurse from coming onto the ward, and into the small private room Sara was in.

The room was nothing special, just a typical hospital room, painted an off-white, containing the medical equipment and machinery countless patients needed. There was only one difference between this room and any other private room within the hospital.

The windows. Sara's room was placed within a small corner of the ward, and it lacked in space, with only one chair for visitors, and no TV, no bedside cabinet, and no blinds. No privacy. A room within sight of the nurses station.

Although the people who resided in this room from time to time were all different, all with different backgrounds, illnesses, injuries, different reasons for needing hospital attention, they all had one thing in common, they were all suspects and people of interest for the police.

This was the room reserved for the injured criminals that passed through the doors of Desert Palms Hospital.

The nurses had been examining her for about five minutes now and Sara could take it no longer, pulling her hand from Catherine's she closed her eyes, rolling onto her side away from the people in the room 'Leave me alone...' She spat out, curling herself into as tight a ball as possible.

Sara was feeling like a barbie doll being handled roughly by two young children, she had once again been felling small. Both nurses began to protest, and Sara somehow curled herself up even smaller, this action was somehow able to make her feel bigger, more powerful. To her it meant that the nurses couldn't place their rough hands on her and therefore she had become untouchable.

''Miss Sidle, we need to examine you...'' Nurse Jenkins began again

''No!'' Sara choked out as forcibly as she could. CSI Willows took over, telling them to back off. She knew how hard this was for Sara, to suddenly be bombarded with cold, probing hands. Uncaring.

In all her years on the job she had come across enough cases to know how fragile people's minds could be, how brittle and easily broken someone could become after such trauma's as she knew Sara had been though, and how much harder it became for the CSI's and PD to get the correct convictions, justice for those who couldn't defend themselves, and how often people would plea insanity, self defence, black outs, pressure, in order to save themselves.

Minutes passed, and Sara still refused to move, she had heard Catherine getting rid of the nurses, and knew they had left a while ago, but she just couldn't bring herself to open her eyes. She could feel Catherine's soothing hand on her back, and welcomed the touch, her frightened and weak demeanour, her annoyance, lessened, and she allowed her body to relax.

If she couldn't leave this room, her private prison, or leave her mind, her haunted past behind, she didn't wish to be alone.

Right now Sara couldn't work out if this admission, the need for company, even the company of someone she found hard enough to talk to even at the easiest of times, made her weak, and small, or someone who had more courage then she normally did, and was therefore strong enough to know when she needed something more than her own-self could offer.

Thinking about this confused Sara a little, but also seemed to relax her, Catherine's voice grew quieter to her, her body became light, and she once again fall asleep.

Catherine paced the halls of the hospital, once again her mind was split as to what she should do, to what she could do. A shrill ringing interrupted her, making her jump, looking down to check her pager, she opened the message on there

_Sender: Grissom_

_Message: Ring me, we have a development, need to speak to S ASAP._

Sighing, she headed outside, pulled out her phone, and dialled the number she knew off by heart.

''Is she awake?'' came Gil's voice.

''She was''

''Was?'' he questioned ''Catherine, have you spoken to her?''

Catherine didn't answer, she just didn't know how to.

''Catherine...God Catherine, you should have called me...''

''I couldn't. I promised..it, It's taken me two days just to convince her to stop pretending to be asleep...'' Catherine's voice was quiet, weak, hanging up on Gil she cursed at herself for being so stupid.

None of her CSI training had been able to prepare her for this.


End file.
